2 min read

The End of Everything

Do you think about dying everyday? I'm not saying you should, or that it's particularly healthy, but I do most days. I feel like it at best helps me feel like I should appreciate and make the most of my one fleeting and precious life, but at other times it's just overwhelming.

I've just started reading 'The End of Everything' by Katie Mack. It's a book about the end of the universe, and the ways it could happen. She dismisses working out what happens when everything ends on a philosophical level pretty quickly, as her interest is with the science, but I wonder how many people face despair at the idea of the cosmic tide coming in. The waves crash over our metaphorical sandcastles, obliterating everything, good and bad, that has ever happened.

I wish I was more content with this fact than I am; nothing lasts forever, after all. I don't really understand how people can be content with it, especially the kind of people who strive to achieve something in their lifetimes.

I also read 'A Burst of Light' by Audre Lorde.

As a living creature I am part of two kinds of forces--growth and decay, sprouting and withering, living and dying, and at any given moment in our lives, each one of us is actively located somewhere along a continuum between those two forces. ― Audre Lorde, A Burst of Light

In it she writes a lot about her battle with cancer, and her feelings about death. I want to quote everyone of the raw passages I've highlighted but I'll restrict myself to one more:

I want to write down everything I know about being afraid, but I’d probably never have enough time to write anything else. Afraid is a country where they issue us passports at birth and hope we never seek citizenship in any other country.  ― Audre Lorde, A Burst of Light

This fear of death and dying and the end of it all eats at me everyday, and I know I must turn my face away from it and towards the light but it is very difficult. I want to live without putting undue pressure on myself to make everyday beautiful and better than the one before. I am allowed to be messy and fail as much as the next person, and I repeat this sentence to myself, clutch it to my chest like a talisman.

I'm trying to write more as it's what I feel drawn to at the minute, and I'm allowing myself to chase the rabbit down the rabbit hole for once and see what happens. I always say I'll commit to daily post on a chosen topic but maybe just going with what moves me is a better option.